Gossip Girl: Episodes 3.13-3.17
Hello again, Gossip Girlies. Because I’ve been traveling so much, I’ve been unable to watch Gossip Girl. When I got back, I sat down and watched 5 episodes of it in a row. If I were in high school, my SAT scores would’ve gone down 150 points. Anyway, in the past 5 episodes, a lot has happened, but we’re sort of where we started:
- Serena and Nate magically got together. They wanted to take it slow, but because Serena’s a giant slut, they’re already sleeping together. She still hasn’t gotten the fashion memo dictating that if your top is low-cut, then you should probably wear pants.
- Nate was mad at Serena because she pretended to forget his birthday. Then, he realized it was an elaborate surprise, and he likes to have a lot of sex so they had some.
- Jenny almost lost her virginity to the drug-dealing ambassador’s son. But then she didn’t. He’s gone now.
- Rufus and Lily caught Jenny with the pills. Rufus exiled her to Brooklyn until her boyfriend dumped her. She was sad, so he let her do whatever she wanted again.
- Lily kissed Serena’s father last summer. This made Rufus angry so he went to some chick’s apartment, but didn’t sleep with her. He left his scarf, there, however, which Lily got from the doorman. Apparently, Rufus’s neck is immune from cold.
- Because Rufus was angry, he lived in Brooklyn with Jenny for a week. Lily left his scarf on the table, preventing him from getting swine flu.
- Jenny tried to make good by re-entering the fashion world. Unfortunately, Agnes gave her roofies. Nate came to her rescue, and Jenny’s unresolved feelings for Nate resurfaced. So now she’s back in love with him and kissed him during a game of assassins, but he’s still with Serena and not little J.
- Dan and Vanessa tried really hard not to be annoying. It didn’t work.
- Dan and Vanessa are dating now. They tried to take it slow but wound up having sex. Apparently, it’s better when Hilary Duff isn’t with them in the bedroom. Better for who is my question. Also, can anyone keep their pants on in this world?
- Before they decided to date, Dan and Vanessa faked having significant others at some completely unrealistic “South Beach” party so they wouldn’t have to acknowledge their true feelings for one another. (Read more after the break)
- Both Dan and Vanessa are applying to the Tisch writing program. Vanessa knows that Dan’s applying, but Dan doesn’t know Vanessa is. Who wants to bet 1000 dollars that Vanessa gets in, Dan doesn’t, and Vanessa gives up her space for him because she sucks?
- Blair’s mother had a fashion show and wanted a national retailer to carry it. Unfortunately, he was from Utah and wanted wholesome guests in attendance. Blair hired prostitutes to attend because she has no friends at NYU (Pauper University), and he recognized one of the male prostitutes as his “special friend.”
- Blair, being on the up and up, used his homosexuality to blackmail him. But then Eleanor Waldorf wouldn’t change her line to conform to his tastes/lowbrow sensibilities and she ends up exactly where she started.
- Blair tells her mother that she has no friends. Then, she makes friends that go to Columbia and puts a Columbia banner in her room even though she doesn’t go there. Next episode, she’ll transfer to Barnard and tell everyone she goes to Columbia.
- Chuck’s mother came back into the world. Chuck didn’t want to have a relationship with her. Then, he wanted one. Then, she didn’t want a relationship. Then, she did. Seriously.
- Chuck’s mother, after sleeping with Bart for a while, fell in love with Jack. Together, they concocted a scandal that forced Chuck to sign over his hotel to his mother (DNA proved that she really was). She, in turn, signed it over to Jack because Jack wants everything that Chuck has. She later says to Chuck, “Psych, I’m not your mother!” But she really is.
- Chuck wants his hotel back, and Jack really just wants to sleep with Blair again so Chuck tricks Blair into an indecent proposal situation. Blair goes to sleep with Jack, but doesn’t. Chuck gets his hotel back.
- In case you didn’t get all of that: Chuck’s mom came back and then left again. Chuck lost his hotel and got it back again. Blair was hurt and angry so she dumped Chuck, but I’m sure they’ll be getting back together in the next episode.
- Eric has been missing for 4 episodes. He resurfaced in time to meet some guy in his building. The guy might be in college which is good because there’s apparently only one gay person in high school to date…that goes to prep school…in New York City. All I have to say Eric is look harder.
- Dorota got engaged to the doorman. Seriously, Dorota needs to be prominently featured in every single episode. Her playing Assassins was hysterical and the highlight of these 5 episodes.
Okay, that was very cynical, and I think if I’d recapped these episodes individually, I would’ve been nicer. Collectively, though, the show hasn’t been good. I do have one prediction: I think Serena’s dad is some doctor, and since Lily’s mother is sick, he’ll be the only one that can save her. Any predictions from you? Was I too harsh, or is my assessment here fair?