Top Chef Liveblog!

I’d like to welcome our newest guest writer, JC! He’s our Top Chef guru (and not a bad cook himself), so he’ll be filling us in on his thoughts. He’s even doing something a little new and different here on Raked: a Liveblog. The writing starts at 10:00, so keep checking in throughout the hour. Bring it on, JC!

TOP CHEF: 5.01 “Melting Pot”

9:47 – Top Chef has returned. I’m not sure why I like this show. I claim to hate reality TV, but I have some bizzare fascination with this particular one. So anyway, here goes. I’m sure you’re all waiting in breathless anticipation for my Top Chef Liveblog. Next up: my bet on who gets kicked first.

10:00 – A new season, a new wonderfully overproduced intro. I swear, these people do not look like chefs. I think we have a good season in store. One of the contestants is named Fabio; that name is so full of comedy. Maybe he’ll get hit by a duck in the middle of a tense quick-fire challenge

10:06 – Early quickfire, and the loser goes home! I promised a prediction on who was going home first but frankly, I can’t tell these people apart yet. Let’s see… I’ll say goodbye to the girl with the tats.

10:10 – So close. Tattoo girl was close to being in the bottom half. And wow it looks really hard to cut apples that small.

10:12 – Weird challenge here. The bottom four get to cook. And only 20 minutes! I think apple salad guy might not pull this one off.

10:16 – First break. First annoying cliffhanger of the season! I still think the dude’s going home; how appropriate that the two people left to choose from were friends from culinary school. A nice bit of early melodrama. Other observations: Tom looks appropriately brutal this year; he’ll make a few people cry. Also, one guy nearly severed his thumb and bled all over the apples he was supposed to peel. Shouldn’t that, maybe, count against you in some way? Anyway, cool. Blood’s already been spilt.

10:20 – Patrick stays, Lauren goes him. Yet again, so close. I’m 0 for 2 tonight.

10:24 – Time for elimination challenge part 2! Cool idea; cooking inspired by different areas of New York. But, what the hell do they make in Ozone Park? Sounds like a waste management plant somewhere in northern Jersey.

10:27 – Break II. Heard a rumor that Fabio was William Shatner’s personal chef. One word: AWESOME. I am now rooting for him. I don’t care how annoying this metrosexual european winds up being; you just can’t mess with the SHAT.

10:32 – Brighton Beach. Watch out for those Russians. They’ll kill your whole family (What the hell movie was that from?)

10:33 – Ozone Park. Latin.

10:37 – I still can’t remember anyone’s name yet. Everyone looks nervous, though I guess that makes sense.

10:40 – Jeff(?) is running around like a crazy man and doesn’t get everyone down in time. He sounds pessimistic, but he’ll probably survive.

10:45 – The judges come in, and the guest today is some guy named Jean-George. I must be a philistine because I’ve never heard of him. But that’s okay. I hope Anthony Bourdain makes an appearance again this year. He’s awesome.

10:50 – Interesting challenge. The loser in each team goes on the firing line. Good way to play with the team dynamic. And Fabio goes on the firing squad! Bad job, Fabio. The Shat will be disappoint.

10:55 – Seems like there were only a couple of high marks overall. Mostly everyone was average or below average. That’ll take you down a peg!

11:13 – Stefan, the German (I think…?) takes home the win; go Europe! Patrick goes home in ignominious defeat, and team Rainbow loses a color. Back to culinary school with you!

11:15 – Not a bad show, though they milked the hell out of the decision at the end. Some good twists with the challenges. It’s still too early but I can’t say I’m pulling for anyone yet. Well, except for the guy who had a hand in helping Shatner get fatter in his old age. Please, Bravo, bring the Shat in as a guest judge. Oh please…