The Secret Life A-no-no

Um, a slight vent. Feel free to imagine a vent-like voice to go along with this.

Can we please get rid of The Secret Life of the American Teenager? Every time I hear stupid Amy wimper, “I’m a teenage mother in high school; I’m missing out on everything,” I feel the need to throw various things through my TV. And my TV cost a good chunk of money. I’d rather not do that.

Of course, Amy would be missing out on things. That’s why you’re not supposed to get pregnant when you’re in high school. Why can’t someone just slap her across the face and tell her, “Stupid! This is why you should have been responsible! This is why you shouldn’t have had sex! Consider this your punishment for doing something really remarkably stupid. There are consequences for your actions and hey, this is what it feels like!”

But no. This show seems to idolicize teenage pregnancy. By all accounts, Amy Jeurgens seems to have had the perfect pregnancy. She threw up, what, twice? She was never uncomfortable. She seemed to have none of the swelling, pain, tiredness that all mothers seem to have. Considering how Brenda Hampton seems to want to force down the viewers’ throat the meaning of good Christian values, she seems to be showing that, hey, if you screw up, it will all be easy as pie.

It’s not a real view of what it would look like. Further, based on all the promos, it looks like she’s doing quite well taking care of her brand-new baby boy. She looks perfectly fine after giving birth, telling the baby, “You’re going home.” Where is the real story with the real pain? Are you really telling me that the biggest problem now in Amy Jeurgens’ life is that her boyfriend is jealous that she’s showing off her boobs? (And yes, that is in the season premiere.)

Meanwhile, you have Adrian running around, sleeping with anyone. Honestly, this show seems to be telling viewers to have sex, as opposed to cautioning against it. I understand showing a wide range of characters in your show, but they’re so one-dimensional that it’s painful. There’s no depth to anyone. Nothing to build off of.

And if the writing stays the way it is, I might rip out my eardrum. Just hearing the commercials makes me swear to never watch ABC Family again (which is disappointing, as generally I like the channel), but these people never do anything. Haven’t you heard, show, don’t tell? There is now show in this show. Just talking.

Lots.

And lots.

Of talking.

That’s all they do. I’m curious to know what the writers do in their lives. Do they talk like this? No one talks like this. It’s repulsive and unbelievable and painful to watch.

So on Monday night, everyone go out and have a nice hourlong break on your porch. Sit outside. Read a book. Learn how to read Shakespeare. Find culture. Don’t give the network more reason to keep it going.

If you don’t do it for yourself, please, do it for the safety of my TV.

Past, Porn, Pleasure, and Pain

THE UNUSUALS: 1.10 “The E.I.D”

Greetings. I am an EIV. Emotionally Invested Viewer. I love The Unusuals, and we might’ve just seen our last episode.

I hold out hope, I do. I noticed on Twitter that both Noah Hawley and TheUnusualsNYC called it a season finale yesterday. I’m hoping that’s true. Please, please, anonymous network that Hawley is talking to, please pick up this show! I know it’s a slim chance, but please? For me? And all the other EIVs out there?

So last night, we had a great mix of fun and serious plotlines. We had the entire team watching porn to catch someone breaking-and-entering. And on the absolute opposite side, we had Casey trying to find the criminals in the cold case.

Two notes: Sadly, Alvarez was missing in this episode. And I did miss him. Second, notice that Casey was an EID–emotionally invested detective. Turn that around and you get “die,” which, as we’ve seen from other procedurals, usually go hand-in-hand because you’re not careful.

Fortunately, Casey was fine. And the perfect person on the case. Casey, with her wealthy upbringing, understood what Margo grew up with–and what her attackers grew up with. She knew why people wouldn’t step up to help after Spring Break, and she was the only person who could really relate to Will in the end.

And I must say, I’m glad Will didn’t actively attack Margo. Because I really grew to like him, even if he did keep it all under his hat.

Meanwhile, wasn’t it heartwrenching to see Margo? Going from wig to wig (the blonde one was creepy, by the way) and seeing her deny the pain? Scared all the time and making up other attacks just to find someone to blame? It was really such a great way to set up an episode–and an interesting way to introduce a side of bottled-up pain that I’ve never seen before.

And then there was Cole, Beaumont, Delahoy, and Banks (man, I’m going to miss these guys). I 100% enjoyed this storyline. Banks and Delahoy watching porn–along with Banks’ “It’d be weird if I wasn’t watching it with you.” The fact that Cole could barely handle all of the references to pornography, let alone watching it–and that he got paired up with the one couple that found it funny.

You know, Cole’s really become this character that I really like. After the first few episodes with his secretive storyline, I was a little tired of him, but now, I really like him a lot. He’s become this character you can really feel for. Sigh.

Anyway, finding out the culprit was fun, but watching Cole and Beaumont undercover–man, I don’t know how these actors keep a straight face watching each other. Cole alone was a riot. Anyway, it was a good, original side plot.

But what about the end? We see now that ABC never intended for this to be a real sign-off to the show. It really just looked like it just stopped filming. Because we’re left seeing Delahoy wandering the streets after finding out the medical examiner was fired for helping him–sad in both counts. And there’s Casey, just sitting in the victim’s apartment, helpless.

It was really sad. And it definitely left room to build off of. It’s not really a fair way to leave the show–Banks still thinks he might die this year; Delahoy not only has a brain tumor, but now has no girlfriend or help; is Cole even engaged anymore?–and I want to know so much more.

I hope this isn’t our final good-bye to Walsh, Shraegar and crew, but if it is, I’m sorry they didn’t get a real sendoff.